Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Life Lost & Found

Storm blowing into Reno tonight

One must lose one's life in order to find it.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

The winds have been blowing like crazy today. I'm so grateful to have a very cozy home to live in. I've had a lot on my mind. My life has kinda been like a storm lately. So much going on around me. And I can't help feeling like a little part of me has died. That parts of my life have been lost. They have blown away. The sadness & emptiness that fills my heart at times has been so overwhelming. How funny that life can go along fine for so many years & then WHAM! It hits you full force in the face. I'm grateful for my husband & sweet little ones that keep me so grounded. Because of all this craziness so many things have had to take a back seat. My art, sewing, photography, creativity & fitness goals are just a few. I've been mostly focusing on the important things like trying to be a better wife & a good mother to my children. When the storms of life threaten to blow you away that's when you hold tight to the things that matter most. Although my art & creative goals are so important to me my little family is even more important. Like every storm, things are finally settling down & my hope is that life can resume some sort of normalcy around here.

I've thought a lot about all the things I've been missing while this other stuff has been going on. I miss my photography & I miss my sketching. I miss sitting down & sewing on a regular basis. Everything is just taking so much longer. I feel so far from you creativity! I want you back in my life! I've even gotten away from what this blog started out to be in the first place. Artfulife. A place where I can share my creative life & the things that matter most to me. My family, art, sewing & all the other things that make this life so sweet sometimes it hurts. 

I realize my creativity isn't the only thing that has suffered. Parts of my confidence have always been missing. It's so easy for me to sell myself short. To self doubt. That I'm not good enough for the dreams I've written for myself. Since when did I give the okay for so much negativity to invade my body & mind? How could I let it in & then allow it free room & board? Shame on me! My creative self is in revolt. Throw it out! It's shouting that right now! This may seem silly to read but I'm shaking as I type this. Too long I've let my dreams sit in dusty corners of my mind. Too long I've let my voice of self doubt dictate how I've lived my life. Too long I've allowed myself to believe that I don't deserve true happiness like everyone else. I now know it's okay to listen to my heart! It's time to make a change! If not now.......when? 

I love the quote above. I've lost so much lately. I have felt so much pain in my heart, yet with that pain has come so much healing. So many things that have haunted me for so long are no longer welcome in my life. Do you hear me? You can't stay here anymore! Today is the day I take what I've learned over the last few months & move forward in a more positive manner. Today is the day I start letting my heart heal. Today is the day I give myself the go ahead to believe in myself again. Today I'm giving myself permission to create. To have a voice! TO BE HAPPY! Today is the day I found my life! I'll be damned if it doesn't feel good!


Elissa said...

oh so much of that i could have written myself, friend. thanks for sharing it. i have been thinking a lot lately about how to shift myself to feel like i am truly living my life, not just enduring it. i don't have it all figured out, but i do feel some personal changes and movement in the right direction. always, it seems for me, two steps forward, one (or ten) steps back :-) wishing, as usual, that i could have you down for coffee to really talk but instead... real prayers and virtual hugs and high fives your way! you DO deserve happiness and you do deserve the confidence to go after your dreams. and me too.

La Carter said...

I completely feel the same way that Elissa does! I have these same thoughts but could never quite put them into words so wonderfully. I think that is what I love most about the bloggy world is the ability to connect with others who can let you know that you are not alone in your struggles. Also, I have to say that reading your blog and seeing all the wonderful pictures of my hometown when I am so far away truly make my days so much brighter!

Amy said...

This spoke to me Summer. I feel like I am just enduring through much of my life right now. It's funny too, I have been doing so much sewing for holiday shows, but I haven't been feeling creative at all, it's just been sewing to keep up and get our stupid furnace paid off, and keep food on the table. It can be super hard to keep a positive outlook on things.
Really, you have expressed alot of what I have been feeling. You do deserve happiness and confidence, and living your dreams. Thanks for sharing.
Sending you hugs!

Susannah said...

i love you

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